if you do any of these things, I just can't hang out with you anymore.

I don’t trust people that…

{judging you...}

1) Don’t like popcorn.

If you did not know before I am OBSESSED with popcorn. So if you tell me that the fluffy and crunchy snack that I adore only tastes like air, you have lost my trust. By the way, I truly believe that popcorn is an amazing example that God does love us.

2) Don’t like french fries.

Really?! Like, how?! How can you NOT like french fries. You are obviously an alien and therefore need to be assassinated. COME AT ME BRO.

3) Don’t have ketchup or mustard in your house.

I severely LOATHE both of these condiments but as a true American, I own them both. How are you going to invite guests over, make a delicious plate of aforementioned french fries and then tell them you have no KETCHUP???!! My train of thought is that you probably barely stay in that house and rarely have guests over. That being said, if you are the said guest, GET OUT OF THERE. That house is probably a “fake” home where they kill and torture their victims.

4) Hate Christmas.

Who even says this?! Do you hate puppies, rainbows and children’s smiles too?! If you don’t like Christmas, you have no soul and therefore you are a demon. In that case, come over to my house and I will perform a Christmas themed exorcism. I mean C’MON man! Even the Jews like Christmas.

5) Say they don’t read.

What do you mean you don’t read?! So you’re telling me you went through 12 years of grade school and probably 4 years of college without ever actually enjoying ANY of the material or at least critically thinking to some aspect??!! AND you don’t ever read magazines, news articles or blogs?! Shame on you. Don’t talk to me. I am TERRIFIED of you. I may catch your ignorance...

6) Tell me their favorite food is a vegetable.

The Lord should strike you down immediately if you ever say your favorite food is zucchini or kale. But because he hasn't yet, don’t talk to me. You are obviously a pathological liar.

peace easy,

the fourth

P.S. If you actually do not like Christmas please do not come to my house. Like I said before, I don’t trust you. NO FRENCH FRIES FOR YOU! Sorry I’m not sorry.